


conspire against the odds

by A_Confused_Kitten



Category: Supernatural
Genre: #destiel 2020, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angel Wings, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, BAMF Dean Winchester, Castiel Deserves Better (Supernatural), Castiel and Dean Winchester Use Their Words, Castiel and Dean Winchester in Love, Episode AU: s15e18 Despair, Episode: s15e18 Despair, Episode: s15e18 Despair - Castiel's Confession Scene, Hurt Castiel (Supernatural), Hurt Dean Winchester, I Will Go Down With This Ship, Love Confessions, M/M, Protective Dean Winchester, Quote: I'm the one who gripped you tight and raised you from perdition. (Supernatural), There's A Tag For That, Wings, billie and the empty are just kinda... there, this aint about them
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-10
Updated: 2020-11-10
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:54:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27485368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/A_Confused_Kitten/pseuds/A_Confused_Kitten
Summary: He tries to think of something, tries to think of a way to kill Death, for the second time since the apocalypse, for the second time since all of this began, but his mind is blank. At least, his mind whispers, if we die here, then we die together.Because Dean doesn’t ever want to be without his angel. After Lucifer had- after Cas died, he had been ruined, no matter how hard he tried to deny it. At least, if there truly is no way to survive this, he’ll have Cas by his side.~~Major spoilers for s15e18: Despair !!!!!
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 6
Kudos: 92





	conspire against the odds

_this is gospel for the fallen ones_  
_locked away in permanent slumber_  
_assembling their philosophies_  
_from pieces of broken memories_

\- this is gospel, panic! at the disco

There is nothing left to say, nothing left to _do._

He tries to think of _something,_ tries to think of a way to kill Death, for the second time since the apocalypse, for the second time since all of this began, but his mind is blank. _At least,_ his mind whispers, _if we die here, then we die together._

Because Dean doesn’t ever want to be without his angel. After Lucifer had- after Cas died, he had been ruined, no matter how hard he tried to deny it. At least, if there truly is no way to survive this, he’ll have Cas by his side-

“When Jack was dying, I made a deal to save him.”

All the air in his lungs is gone in an instant, the words a punch to the gut. “You _what?"_

“My life was the price. When I experience a moment of true happiness, the Empty would be summoned, and it would take me forever.” Cas continues, speaking as though it was _nothing._ As though _he_ was nothing, and Dean _hates_ it.

He hates it the way Cas hates tights spaces, the way Sam clowns. He hates it because it’s all his fault. “Why are you telling me this?” He hisses, his voice low. They don’t have time for this, not if they want to find a way to outlast Billie, but he’s so, so damn curious. 

But more than that, Dean’s terrified where Cas is going with this.

And Cas? Cas smiles. “I always wondered. Ever since I took that burden, that curse, I wondered what it could be. What my true happiness could even look like. Because the one thing I want? It’s something I _know_ I can’t have.”

Somehow, his smile grows sadder, his eyes glassy, and that look doesn’t belong on Cas’ face. “But I think I know now. I think I know happiness isn’t in the having, it’s in the _being.”_

“What are you talking about?” Dean demands, because this sounds _wrong._ And maybe his moral compass is off kilter, but this is Cas. Cas, who he knows almost as well as he knows himself.

Cas, who’s never seemed content with the words he’s saying, talks for what seems like hours, a smile on his face. “I know. I know how you see yourself, Dean.” He says, and something inside him snaps because Cas-

Every thought inside from his head is coming from Cas’ lips, spilling like he _can't_ stop, like he doesn't even _try_ to stop it. He tears apart everything Dean’s ever thought about himself, because Cas is right.

He’s always been angry. At Sam, for leaving them and for pushing away. At Dad, for sending them on false trails and never being around. At Cas, for being everything angels were supposed to be.

At himself, for never being good enough.

And Castiel tears it all down with only his words. With the one thing Dean has never been able to believe in. Cas looks at him, looks deep into his very soul, and he smiles. “Everything you have ever done- for good or for bad- has been for love. You fought for this _world_ for love. _That_ is who you are, Dean!”

“You are the most caring man on earth. You are the most selfless, loving human I will ever know.” And Cas finally pauses, and he looks _happy._ Maybe happier than Dean has ever seen him. But something is so, so _wrong,_ and he can’t figure out why. 

“You know, ever since I pulled you out of Hell, you’ve changed me. Because you cared, I cared. I care about you, about Sam, about Jack. You _changed_ me, Dean, you taught me to care. You taught me what it means to _love_.”

This isn’t right. 

This isn’t _right._

 _This isn’t right_ and he can’t figure out why it feels so wrong. The words are sincere, Dean has no doubt about that, not even in the slightest, but something is not right and he can’t seem to figure it out. And he has to figure it out, he _has_ to, because those beautiful words paired with that tragic look on Cas’ face can mean nothing good-

The moment it hits him, Dean’s heart crawls to a stand still. 

Castiel has never been one for words. He’s always been fairly quiet, in a sense, ever since that night, ever since _“I’m the one who gripped you tight and raised you from perdition.”_ Cas is bold, and he’s loyal. He’ll do anything to protect anyone, and sometimes, Dean wishes he was just a _tiny_ bit selfish.

Because now, Cas talks with a sad smile on his face, and nothing about this feels _right._

Because Heaven suppressed Cas' emotions for years, and reset him if he so much as _blinked_ in the wrong way. Tore him apart and broke him down, and Cas doesn't- no, he _can't_ trust people not to do the same.

He doesn't trust _them_ not to do the same, and Dean doesn't blame him. He doesn't blame him because he's blamed Cas for problems he couldn't have any part in, been angry and violent and _cruel_ when he should've been comforting, gentle.

Every negative thought Dean has ever had has crossed Cas’ mind. Every bitter voice, screaming curses and assigning blame, spewing hate, whispers lies into Cas’s ear, and Dean has never once corrected them. Cas is a broken angel with broken wings, wings that Dean has never seen, but knows are beautiful. He’s the angel with a soft smile, the angel of humanity, who Dean can never live without.

But Cas doesn’t see that. He sees what his enemies envision, an angel with a cracked halo, who’s fallen too far and given too much. He sees a man who only creates problems, and none of the good intentions that led to them. All Castiel sees a broken man, and Dean doesn’t know how to tell him he’s beautiful.

And yet, Cas is still smiling.

Cas, who isn’t one for long speeches and vulnerable conversations, who always hides his feelings behind a mask of _“I’m fine,”_ who still doesn’t know how to simply _be,_ is smiling.

And-

“Why does this feel like a goodbye?” Dean asks, because Cas doesn’t do goodbyes. Because Cas always finds another way. Because Cas never gives up, never stops trying until he’s already six feet under. Until he’s too exhausted to stand because he refused to _rest._

Because Castiel doesn’t smile that sad, sad look, and he doesn’t cry over words, but over actions, and his eyes don’t scream _“I’m sorry”_ and _“Please forgive me for this.”_

Cas never looks resigned, and as Death comes knocking, his features are at peace.

All except for that damned smile.

And Cas’ smile only grows sadder. “Because it _is."_ And Dean’s heart. Stops. “I love you, Dean.”

Everything slows. 

His heartbeat is louder than Billie pounding at the door, and all he can hear is _“I love you.”_

Because that meant it isn’t just him. Because those words mean that maybe, he isn’t the only one who’s fallen so hard, that maybe he’s not the only one who’s been dying slowly, trying to find the right words, waiting for the right time, waiting for the perfect moment.

Except the words aren’t right.

There’s nothing evenly remotely good about this moment, nothing good about this room, about this time, about these words. The sincerity in Cas’ eyes only serves to make it worse, because he _isn’t_ lying. All of it is true, and that means-

“Cas, please.” There’s so much more he wants- no, _needs_ to say. _Please don’t make me live without you, not when I know I’m not the only one who feels this way. Not when I can imagine having you by my side for eternity. Please._ But the words won’t leave his lips, and all that comes out is a choked, “Don’t do this.”

Cas hasn’t stopped smiling. Tears are ruling down his face, and with a gentle way, the angel wipes away tears Dean didn’t even know are falling. “I love you,” he says, and Dean is crying over this stupid angel, over Cas and his heart of gold.

And there’s a sound from behind them, and Dean knows who it is. Knows _what_ it is and what it’s here for. And _no._

The Empty isn’t taking him.

This may be their one way to get out of this, their one way to stop Billie from taking over. But without Cas, Dean doesn’t know how to live, and his angel is not being taken from him. Not if he can stop it.

“Goodbye, Dean,” Cas says, and when he moves, Dean is faster. He forces himself to move, forces himself to react quicker, and when Cas tries to shove him away, he holds on tight, dragging them both to the floor. Cas’ bloody hand stains his shoulder, and the words _I’m the one who gripped you tight_ fill his head, for the second time in what feels like hours.

This may not be Hell, and Dean is no angel, but the thought brings a teary smile to his face. He can’t fight for years in Hell to rescue his angel, but he sure as hell can try and save him from the creature trying to steal him, trying to pluck him out of his own home.

The doors burst open, and Billie stalks through them, prowling as though is her domain. However, the second she passes the doorframe, the Empty is darting to snatch her, racing to take her away, to a place no one can enter. 

Cas’ form is small in his arms, and Dean tightens his grip. _I’m the one who gripped you tight,_ Cas had said, all those years ago, and now, it’s Dean’s turn. He holds his angel as close as he can, wraps his arms around Cas’ shoulders, buries his fingers in his hair, closes his fist around the collar of his coat. “Dammit, Cas, I’m not letting you go, not like this,” he says, and Cas slumps against his chest.

Maybe it’s the adrenaline. Maybe it’s because he’s high on emotions, high enough to feel like he’s _flying,_ flying and he never has to come down. But he bows his head, kisses the top of Cas’ head, rests his chin on feather-soft hair, and for a moment, Cas tenses. He tenses, but then-

Wings.

Wings, softer than anything Dean’s ever felt, surround them, protecting them like a shield. And part of him wants to cry, because they’re scared. Deep burn patches and clumps of missing feathers. Places where blades, both demon and angel, have sliced through skin and left jagged wounds. He wants to cry because he knows the injuries used to be worse. Knows from the way Cas would flinch after the fall, knows from the tension that used to reside in his shoulders.

He can’t help the sharp breath that escapes him, because they are beautiful, truly and entirely beautiful. Even if they’re scarred, even if they’re burned from hellfire and who knows what else, they’re beautiful. Ebony feathers that seem to shine with an ocean blue glow, wings that remind him of a crow’s, and doesn’t that fit?

Wings, as dark as a crow’s, a symbol of good luck to some and bad luck to others, and even an omen of death. But Castiel is the best thing in Dean’s life, the good luck to his terrible thoughts, and yes, to some, he is a signal of death. He’s the angel who rebelled, who’s killed so many of his own, and maybe that should be a detriment, but Cas has done all of it for them.

No- he’s done all of it for _Dean._

And he doesn’t know what he’s done to deserve it, but if Cas, who can read his soul like a book says he has, then maybe he’s right.

He clutches Cas to his chest like a lifeline, as though his presence is the only thing keeping him alive. And in a way, the opposite is true, he holds Cas tight, and maybe, the Empty won’t get to take him away. 

If he holds Cas tight, then maybe he won’t lose him.

The Empty spirals around them, growling and screaming and wailing. _“This one’s mine,”_ it whispers in Dean’s ear, and his hold tightens. _“Give me what I am owed, Dean Winchester, and maybe I won’t tear you apart.”_

“Dean-”

“No deal,” he snaps. He’s never been more sure in his life, never a moment where his traitorous mind whispered _“let go”_ because he would find a way to survive. 

Because Cas isn’t one for goodbyes. It’s always been _“I will come when you call for me”_ or _“I’m here,”_ and never, never a goodbye, because Castiel always comes back.

And a dangerous smile crosses Dean’s face, and he faces the Empty head on, because there is no way in Hell he’s ever letting go. “Now, how about you take Billie and run, before I find a way to kill you,” he growls, his smile turning threatening. “And _trust me,_ if you take my angel from me, I _will_ find a way to kill you. Even if I go down with you.”

And the Empty-

Stops. 

It’s ink-like form twists and turns, and Dean gets the impression it’s frowning at him. Then, _“Have him, Dean Winchester, but the moment you dare disturb my sleep, I am coming for him, and I will have him.”_

And just like that, it’s over. The Empty fades, dragging Billie into its depths, and it’s over.

 _It’s over,_ he wants to scream, wants to shout loud enough that even the Heavens could hear him. _Castiel is safe, he’s_ safe _and-_

“Cas, I-” 

“You don’t need to say anythi-”

“Dammit, Cas! I love you, too, you idiot.”

Cas goes still, and Dean wants to laugh. Here they are, collapsed on the floor, hidden by dark feathers as tears fall down their faces, because an angel thought he was too broken to be loved, and a hunter believed he didn’t deserve it. That he wasn’t _worthy_ of it.

None of that is right.

“Dammit, Cas, I need you. I need you like I need _air.”_ Dean says, softly, and Cas’ confused look cuts him to the bone. “And don’t tell me that you’re broken, that you’re ‘too damaged,’ because so am I, Cas. Maybe we’re both broken beyond repair, and maybe none of this was meant to be a part of this story, but I don’t _care.”_

He breathes, takes in his angel, sees the exhaustion in his bones and vows to never let go. Vows never to hurt him like this, not again. “I love you, Cas. Your wings, your smile, that stupid coat you always wear; I love it all.”

He straightens, because there is so much he wants to say, so much he _needs_ to say, and he can’t do this. Not without looking into those beautiful eyes, not until his angel knows he’s worth so much more than he believes.

Not until Castiel knows that he means everything to him.

“You said that you know how I think about myself? Well, I know about you. I know you think that you’re only good for your grace, that you’re only _useful_ because you have it. You see yourself as the broken angel, the one who caused the fall, and well, guess what Cas, that’s _bullshit._ If I’ve done everything for love, then so have you.”

And isn’t that true? Cas challenged everything he had known for humans, for him and Sam and the _world._ Every mistake he’d ever made was because he wanted to protect people, allies and enemies alike. There isn’t a selfish bone in Cas’ body, and without his unfailing loyalty, then Dean wouldn’t even be _alive_ right now.

“You rebelled against everything for us, even when we tossed you aside, because you _believed._ So much shit has happened to you because of us, hell, you’ve _died_ for us, Cas. You’ve died for us, and I can’t watch that happen again.” His voice goes quiet, less than a whisper, because this is it.

This is what he’s known for years, yet has been too afraid to say. These are the words that have gotten lodged in his throat, caged by fear. Stuck, because he was too scared to say them. Scared of Cas’ reaction, of rejection, of saying them only for them to mean nothing at all.

Scared that when he finally said them, the world would be crumbling down around them. 

And here is the truth.

He’s scared of hearing those words, once and only once, never to hear them again. He’s _terrified_ that once he says them, Cas will leave, but he trusts this angel with his life, a few words could never change that.

So Dean takes a breath, and gently wipes the tears from Cas’ eyes, resting his palm on his cheek. “I can’t lose you,” he says, his voice soft, “Not again. Not when we're this close to making our own choices, and dammit Cas, my choice is you."

"I love you, Dean Winchester," Cas says, and his voice is quiet, but the look in his eyes is loud, bold and never-ending, and more loving than anything Dean has ever known.

Because Castiel is an angel built to love, and Dean is the Righteous Man he was sent to save, and somehow, that story led them here. What started in an abandoned barn, or maybe even in Hell, and chased them through Purgatory and Heaven and to other worlds, has led them here.

To the end of all things.

For a moment, the world feels like it’s holding its breath. There’s so much to be done, so much to be said, but none of that matters. Not right now. Not compared to him. Because, yeah, the world is ending, but right now, Dean couldn’t be bothered to care.

Softly, gently, he kisses the man he loves, the one he’d do anything to keep. “That thing you said you couldn’t have? The one that’d make you happy?” Cas tilts his head, watching him behind open eyes. “You have it. You can have me for the rest of eternity Cas, because I love you, and I can't live without you.”

And for a moment amongst a crumbling world, everything feels _right._

**Author's Note:**

> Working title: #destiel 2020
> 
> Okay, ya'll, I haven't watched Supernatural since quarantine started, and I certainly haven't written any fics about it, or even had any plans to. But that last episode? I had it spoiled for me before it came out on the CW site, so I watched every episode released since quarantine, knowing what was about to happen, and shit, guys, I don't think I've ever cried over an episode this much in my life. 
> 
> This episode moved me so much, because when do you see a moment like that? If after that moment, the writers just let Cas go, we're gonna have Words. I'm a little anxious about Dean being OOC, so please let me know what y'all think so I can know if I just don't know how to write romance and that's screwing with me, or if he's actually OOC.


End file.
